What is going on in here,
Why are my problems all but clear?
What is going on inside,
Why all the lies I’ve lied.

I want to be alone, inside myself,
But it wont happen, live in pelf.
Why do I have to force me to be,
Social and acceptable, see?

Why does it even matter now?
What triggered this and how?
Is it the suicide attempt,
Or because my life’s unkempt?

Why is it I want no help now?
Why do my friends have a cow?
I’m constantly changing anyway,
Maybe they’ll realize that someday.
1989

Why can’t sometimes the world slip away,
In the meaning of a bright new day,
Why can’t I ever seem to shake,
The shadows of yesterday caught in my wake?
How could it be, so seeped in Silence,
When I turn my ways to violence.
And I think that it will change,
But everything’s always so disarranged.
I turn my faith up to the Lord,
But am I faithful as the Adored?
Lest I slip and fall and hit the rock,
The shadows of yesterday, they do stalk.
So now who am I, Where do I lead,
As I glance at my trusty steed.
What do I do, how can I be,
What I know is deep inside of me.
I still stand here in confusion’s steep,
Wondering why is my life so bleak.
When does it end, the pain so hard,
How much more till I play that card.
I stand by myself, to see it all,
It’s hard to face up to this withdrawal.
I am who I am, I want what I need,
But the shadows of yesterday do perceive.
I reach for the light beyond glitters of Hate,
I run towards it before it’s too late.
And I scream and I cry with my tortured soul,
I beg and I try to keep my control.
But can someone tell me, how far I must go,
So I can achieve my ultimate goal.
11-3-98

The new times are not kind to the soul,
The new times are unbearably cold.
The new times are unfriendly and silent,
The new times are at least unviolent.
The new times are mostly spent,
Wondering where all my time went.
The new times leave me speechless,
The new times have found my only weakness.
The new times were meant to clear the air,
The new times in which i alone share.
The new times are now the T.V. blaring,
Remembering the time I spent sharing.
The new times so full of fate,
The new times so full of hate.
The new times in silence i trust,
The new times this room is now hushed.
The new times I notice in here,
This room was once filled with cheer.
The new times no companionship in sight,
The new times I admit i now look a fright.
The new times locked inside four desperate walls,
The new times no way to get or make any calls.
The new times surely there must be an end,
So the old times can resume again.

(some time in the 90s but i don’t remember when – and yes i am aware there’s a word called nonviolent i meant to use unviolent)

In a daydream, weak and weary.
Through a Lifetime of Cajole and Leery.
Past a bridge unstable and unkempt,
Over a River of tears I’ve wept.
A soul that’s bruised, a heart that’s torn,
And still I watch them battle on.
I do not know for what they fight,
For either must know, neither is right.

July 11, 2010

I looked up in a mirror and saw a face,
It was of one I couldn’t place.
A woman selfish and with a child,
Lines on her face from being wild.
A tear down her face from a shattered dream,
Of fortune fallen, and broken seams.
She sat alone every night,
She thinks what she did is right.
I looked for all I cared to see,
Then I noticed this woman was me.

1989

I’m happy when I’m watching the rain,
I’m happy when I’m in no pain.
I’m happiest when the wind is on my face,
I’m happiest when I’m not caught up in the race.
I’m happy when I’m alone and not blue,
I’m happy when I’ve got nothing better to do.
I’m happiest when there’s someone to hold me tight,
I’m happiest when I’m dreaming at night.
I’m happy when the sun fades away,
I’m happy when I see another day.
I’m happiest when I sit and see the moon,
I’m happiest when I get the answers soon.
I’m happy when I’m lonely, happy when I’m sad,
I’m happy when I’m on the run, happy when I’m mad.
I’m happiest when I’m suicidal, happy when I’m not,
I’m happiest when I’m homicidal, my feelings are naught.
I’d be happier if there was someone just like me,
I’d be happier if just once I could see.
I’d be happier if I took on a whole new life,
But from what I’ve seen there’s no point, it’s all strife.
7-26-96

To the dreamer who once was the dream,
with incomparable suffering the world has not seen.
A fire, a glint, a gleam in your eye,
A passion fulfilled with no time to die.
Where the bloodstone fields were your solace there,
And the autumn leaves did fall in your hair.
Through the winters cold, till arrival or spring,
No one knew of the dreamer dreaming the dream.

To the dreamer who once was the dream,
Whose love could eclipse the nights we’ve seen.
In tiring drudges, retaking your claims,
You forgot your umbrella and it’s starting to rain.
In the depth of the trenches on the war zone path,
The anger in your eyes showed it wouldn’t last.
And upon the armorments u did lean,
The lonely dreamer of the dream.

To the dreamer who once was the dream,
On starlit nights you lost your sheen.
Through morning light you did awake,
Unaware that it did break.
And though the days were slipping by,
Never did you think to try.
For your life is what you’ve seen,
The dreamer always lived the dream.
12-30-97

I watched the sunlight from outside, slowly creeping in,
As dawn arose, standing by my side, I am ready to begin.
Did you ever dare to dream, that mermaids lived with scale,
Or unicorns roam trampled woods, do pirates still set sail?
Are the hours long enough, do you see them dwindle fast?
Will you ever see your future, if you can’t forget your past?

I watched the sunlight from outside, radiate my room,
Shadows cast along my wall, it is now high noon.
Did you ever dare to dream, that nymphs had hair of green,
Or Fairies flew with flowers dew, a kingdom have you seen?
Are the hours long enough, Do the minutes slip away?
Will you ever see tomorrow, if you live in yesterday?

I watched the sunlight from outside, slowly fade to dark,
The night it comes to over shadow, the day that I embarked.
Did you ever dare to dream, That Vampires walked the earth,
Or zombies still lie bitterly, and Ghost give fear new birth?
Are the hours long enough, the sunlight has long since seeped out,
Will you ever see forevermore, when right now you live in doubt?

10-14-2006

Cries fill the dark, musty alley,
All the things that can not be.
The things we tried to stop,
The ones that came out on top.
Laughter fills the dark, musty alley,
All the things that would be,
The things they all did,
The ones who always lived.
Tears fill the dark, musty alley,
All the things that should be,
The times it didn’t work,
The ones who did, under dirt.
Sighs fill the dark, musty alley,
All the things that had to be,
The times that were shared,
The ones who always cared.
Screams fill the dark, musty alley,
All the things never to be,
The things that were done in vain,
The ones lucky enough to end the pain.
Anger fills the dark, musty alley,
All the things that need to be,
The times that were full of regret,
The ones we never can forget.
5/18/89

Dark and morbid til the light,
Silently dwindling with delight.
Teardrops of rainbows dried,
Fallen over the one’s that died.
No one knows of us beneath the sky,
Of how we live or how we die.
The screams we hear are all we know,
The attitude we attribute is “So”.
Laugh and wither with our sight,
So we may prowl upon the night.
Eat your flesh as the old,
Buying the souls that are sold.
Goodbye without a single word,
All because we are absurd.

1989