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Original X-roads-2003
“You wanna go?” his voice seemed to be coming from all directions. “You so fraid of de truth you willin to run from it rather dan face it? You would give me up to save you from facin you?”
“Just drop it Jonothan.” I stared into the darkness. I can only describe this feeling as majorly annoyed mixed with severely pissed-off. “Let me out of this whatever it is, and let me live my life in peace.” Yes I would rather give it all up than face myself. Rather than face my feelings, fears… it’s better to run away. Safer.
“You would like dat wouldn’t you? To never have to face anythin, to never pay for yo’r crimes. Nothin ever disappeared cause you wanted it to. Dose feelins you feel… dey not gonna go away just cause I ain’t around. Dey jus don’t run as strong. Dat pain you feel, de fear, it not goin nowhere either. You can run till you can’t run no more, but sooner or later you gonna hafta face yo’rself. You can’t run away from you.”
“Yeah well, I’m gonna try ok?” I crossed my arms.
“An don try dat Tough Gal act on me either. I see straight thru it, straight thru to yo’r soul. Don deny yo’rself Jas. Yo’r jus avoidin the inevitable, an makin it hard on me in de process. Why don you jus save us both some time an give in now.”
“I want away Jonothan.” I warned. I was starting to feel caged in, I hate that feeling. It always makes me want to run, I guess everything does. But the pain, if it wasn’t for the pain. Life’s teacher.
“No Jas.” his words soft and comforting. “Not dis time. Dis time you stay.” his hand swept my hair off my right shoulder. “I know you love me, fraid as you are of it. An know dats all you are is scared.”
He always knew what to say and do to make me fall back into his arms. Maybe it was his soft touch, the way it made my skin tingle. Maybe it was because when he was around I felt all the emotions in the world all at once. At any rate, when I’m with him and I don’t let my mind take over… I am at peace. I feel the happiest there is to feel. Why couldn’t it be this way always? Why do I feel like I don’t deserve happiness? Why do I feel like he will eventually leave me? I mean he comes and goes as it is, why should we change that? He can just go for now and come back when this is all over, right? “Why are you doing this to me now? I mean couldn’t you just go do whatever it is you do when I’m not around for a while?” I think it’s sensible.
“Why Jas?” his words soft, pulling at me. “If you feel dis way for me, why not now?”
What is he joking?!?! “I’m in the middle of a war, in the middle of looking for some princess!” I acerbated. “Do you REALLY think I have time for this?!?!“
“Oh?” I could feel him pacing around me. “But you got PLENTY o’ time for Sertoff, Eh?”